“My Story & Experiences as a Felidavian Shifter” by LunarWing; July 2021
One of the hardest parts of my experience was figuring out what to call my kintype, since it doesn’t really seem to already have a name. So, you’re probably in need of an explanation. “Felidavian” is a word I found meaning “winged cat” that had no real specifics to it because its practically never used. And a shifter as I sometimes am humanoid. Imagine a large panther-like cat with feathered wings, and you’ve got the basic idea. And on the other side of things, a human but with cat ears and a tail, as well as wings, purple eyes, and sharp canine teeth. This is my image of self.
I knew that I wasn’t human around the age of four or five, however, at that age I didn’t know what exactly I was and I thought that what I felt would eventually be real. I would play in the woods all the time with my friends, pretending to be animals, and that felt so right compared to other things. I used to jump off of things a lot, thinking I was practicing for when my wings would grow in. Every day I would try something a little taller if I could. I could feel astral wings, and I believed that it meant my wings were starting to grow. Call me delusional, but I didn’t stop believing this until I was around ten or eleven and still didn’t have even the slightest wing bumps forming. This realization started a new era of self for me.
Now around this time I also became distracted by another issue, lets just shorten that to “the gay appeared” and while I was figuring that out alterhumanity was no longer the most pressing issue, but it never left. I’m someone who is always shifted, and feels astral limbs almost constantly. I fell into extreme depression and while being alterhuman was not at all the cause of this or even a major part of it, it was something that contributed. I was upset and felt awful after realizing I was physically human and always would be. That’s probably something a lot of you have felt.
Flash forward through some rough years, and I’m 15. I’m no longer focused on my sexuality as I’ve figured out I’m panromantic ace. My depression is a usual issue instead of a new one. That leaves that one pesky thing for me to focus on that I’ve been putting off. I’m not human, so what am I? And why? Am I the only one?
I was doing what a lot of us are doing and clicking through YouTube at 2am when I saw an Anthony Padilla video about “otherkin”. So I clicked on that, not really thinking about it. I had seen Nya, the wolf girl, before, and didn’t think much of it because well, I wasn’t anything like a wolf, so I assumed she wasn’t whatever I was looking for. But someone you may know of, Luis Padron (the elf), showed me that there was more to this than one random wolf girl.
I started researching everything I could about otherkin and realized, this is it, this is what I am. That leaves the question, what sort of creature am I? I started drawing myself as I felt and saw myself in dreams, and I realized that as far as I could find, there was no word for me exactly. So I used my research to give myself that word.
My fur and feathers change colors with the seasons as far as I can tell. I’m silver in the winter and black in the summer. I’d assume the purpose of this would be to blend into snow better. I naturally love cold weather and get hot very easily, I avoid any temperatures over 70-75 degrees (in fahrenheit, I think that’s 38-43 in celcius). My wingspan in humanoid form is around 13 ft (around 4 meters). My eyes are purple, but I assume eye color can vary in my species. My size is about that of a tiger, but build is more like a panther. It seems like my species should be able to do some kind of magic, but I don’t know the specifics of that other than I use magic in dreams, fully believed growing up that eventually my magic would manifest just like my wings, and to this day have a strong connection to magic. I can either speak or use telepathy to communicate as a cat. I genuinely don’t know which, only that I can still talk to humans. I prefer the night over the day, feel very connected to the moon and stars, and spend most of my time in dream shifts flying through the night sky. My home place has trees with needles like more northern places, and its a forest. Oddly enough I do not have to eat meat. I can eat the same diet as any human, including strange diets or being vegan, but I have to eat quite a lot to keep myself healthy without eating big animals by hunting. I’m not very social, but I’m anxious and timid rather than confrontational. This leads me to believe that my species isn’t necessarily aggressive, but isn’t very social either.
I worry that my experiences are caused by delusions, as I deal with psychosis as a possible schizophrenic. I’ve seen one other person mention this kind of worry, and here’s my take on it. Even if you have your experiences because you deal with delusions, they’re valid. You feel them, regardless of why. I hope I’m not incorrect in believing that.
I have hopes that by telling my story others of my kintype will find it and realize they aren’t alone. They won’t have to search for what to call themselves if they like the term I’ve given us. I can’t be the only one of me out there. And if you reading this haven’t found quite what your odd species is yet, that’s alright, and you aren’t alone either.